In-laws = hell [major rant]

[Spixy]

- major rant -

I'm trembling with rage - it has taken me the full day to just calm down enough to sit down and talk/write about it.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years by now. Our relationship with both my parents and his haven't been the best. My mother really really adores my boyfriend, but my father does not (he's just the typical man >_<). His parents never liked me from the start. My boyfriend spoiled me a lot during the first months of our dating - we went out often and enjoyed it. He spent a lot of money on me - I admit that, but that changed rather quickly. I began getting my own money and kicked in with my share of the bills, but I don't think his parents ever believed that. During the first months I was accused of stealing his money, of being pregnant, of lying and of turning him against them. It was a horrible time and it ended up with him moving out. Then it turned and we became - in my eyes - 'friends'.

But today this happened.

My boyfriend and I have been planning a trip to Germany for months now (it's something we danish people do for cheap soda and candy). The deal had been that my boyfriend, his father, me and my mom were to go. My mother hadn't exacly answered yes or no yet as she has a very busy job and had to clear her schedule to come along. My sister wanted to come too, so her and my mom decided to drive in our own car as they had to bring back extra soda and beer for neighbours/family ect.

My boyfriend calls his father to let him know that I'll be driving with my mother down there (she had to see a doctor and her back was sore, so I'd have to drive one way for her). Exacly one hour later bf's father calls back to let him know that the trip is cancelled.

Why?

Because my in-laws doesn't want two cars driving down there - it's a waste of 'resources'. Basicly they were saying that if my mother drove down there - they wouldn't go. Well okay. My boyfriend really took a blow from this - this was the only thing he had been planning for months and he had really been looking forward to going with his father and me. So my mother tried to back out - to give him and his father their trip back, but that wasn't good enough either. So he refused to go.

My boyfriend is a quite sensitive young man and closed up - refusing to speak with either of us. The backstory on this is quite a long one, but started out with his parents kicking him out due to some minor disagreements and them not liking me.

Well - seeing as he vanished and my mother couldn't understand what was happening, we drove up to his parents for a chat. This is where things exploded.

His mother was quick to accuse first me - then my mother of destroying the Germany trip. Then I was told that I was a manipulative bitch and I wasn't good enough for their son and he ought to find a new girl. I was shocked. We had just been in Copenhagen for a week - my boyfriend, me and his parents and we really had a blast, so I didn't understand anything.

My mother was upset by this of course - and a few insults wer exchanged again. My boyfriend's parents haven't been there one moment for him - he's been sick for years and his parents didn't really do anything about it. Then he started to date me (3 years ago) and we went to a lot of doctors trying to figure out what was wrong - he has a 3 x 4 x 8 cm !! tumor in his nose, which has removed most of his smell. How could you NOT notice this? -sigh-

The conversation ended up with his parents smacking the door in our faces and we left.

My boyfriend is just as shocked and confused as me at the moment - I don't know if our relationship will survive this, as his parents have a habit of threatening to stop helping him with financing his university and books if he doesn't 'do what they want'. Usually that wouldn't be a problem, but he just doesn't have the extra spare time for a job - let's just say he's very very through with his work at the university. (He gets straight A's).

I just don't know if there's any going back now - will I ever be able to talk with them again? I'm so mad, sad and frustrated because I really really thought that 'part' was over. But I guess I'll never be good enough for him in their eyes.

- /end rant -

Large cookie for you if you read it all - I'm probably a bit unorganized at the moment, but my mind is one big fuzz right now. I just can't figure out what to do.

[Gidgets]

*cuddlehugs* <3

[PonyMama]

My ex had parents like this, and they drove a wedge between us at times too.  He lived witht hem though and that did not help, and our relationship fell apart.

I hope this does not happen to you guys. 

However I think if they are financing his education he maybe needs to just deal a bit until he is done, or he needs to think about taking over the financial part of it himself and tell them to get over themselves.

it sounds as though the dad did not want to go anyways and he used an excuse.

Maybe it would be best for you to stay away from them until the education is done, then after that you guys can live without their influence, sometimes parents think they decide who their child shoudl be with, but that is not the case.  If you and yoru boyfriend love eachother then don't let them break you apart, if you enjoy eachother's company, don't let them get in between you guys.

[indigowulf]

see Im the speak my mind kind of person. If i were him and they threatened to remove thier support, Id confront them as the control freaks they were.

Q: Why do you want to remove your support? A: (devils advocate bs answer here) because we want whats best for you and its not her.

Q: If you want whats best for me, wouldnt that be continuing school? A: yes, but shes distracting you/hurting your studies/holding you back/ruining your life/pick one

Q: Dont you respect me as a person to make my own choices? A: NO! youre our baby! Youre wrong on this one, we know best.

Q: Ok, if I decide to stay with her, and you withdraw your support, I end up with a "bad" person AND without an education, to say nothing for without a good relationship with my parents. Is this best? A: you wont do that, we dont believe you.....

call the bluff. Say- screw you, im living my life, id rather make my own failure then YOUR version of success. and then walk away. dont answer thier calls. finish out the semester or whatever is left already paid for without returning thier calls. Just before its over, finally answer, and remind them that you mean it.

It will suck if they stick to thier guns, but Im willing to bet he will only miss 1 term/semester before they realize he's going to stick to it. Its true- its better to fail on your own then succeed in something that makes you miserable.

[Spixy]

Thank you all for the replies -snugs- I wouldn't know what to do without you =)

@PM - It's hard really - they're always there with something or the other. I've tried to stay away from them for a longer period, but then there's always some family-thing or something they come up with and I have to see them. We've survived them for two years now - but my boyfriend has 4 years of his university left until he graduates. I'm just hoping that when I'm done with high school next year - I'll take a year off and work full-time to cash in some money, perhaps that'll give him some freedom from them..

@Indigo - I wish it was that simple really. Problem is that it doesn't cost money to attend university here, but it's the extra bills that does. His study books cost 600$ each year - and he barely has enough to put away each month. He currently works at his mother's company to pay his bills - which is the only flexible job he can get that fits his schedule.

Problem is she's horrible at guilt tripping him - and he's one big pleaser. He went to the doctor and a phyciatrist? this morning and got some really good advice. His mother called him an hour ago asking to speak with him in private - and asking 'Do you not think I'm a good mother?', yes, she actually asked that..

On the positive side though - boyfriend seems a bit more hopeful today than yesterday. We're going to Germany today instead - just me, my mom, my sis and my boyfriend. =)

[Goddesss]

I am sorry to hear that they are so mean.  I too had a boy friend with parents like this (worse actually if you can believe that).  We were together 5 years.  I hope that things work out for you guys and can get through this.

Have fun on your trip.

[BabyKittenCandy]

In laws can be a nightmare but these sound worse than normal! Im so sorry hunny. I agree with Indigo, id be tempted to call thier bluff and see what happens but only if you and your bf are prepared to deal with it if they do cut him off, maybe look and see if there is some sort of financial help you could get elsewhere?

You know where I am if you need to chat and I hope you have a fab time in Germany!

[Silvanon]

Ok, so, I've been mulling over your situation a lot today, and I have a few thoughts for you.  First off, wow, you're in an incredibly difficult situation and I really feel for you.  There's just no way for things to be easy.

However, I do have a few ideas that may help you work with the situation a bit better.  I've been considering what in the world the in-laws motives might be (because regardless of how irrational people seem to us, they almost always are acting rationally in their own heads).  I think that inside, your in-laws realize that they've treated you horribly, and they feel a lot of tension in the relationship.  They know they have some sort of retaliation coming, that they deserve to be disliked, and they're on their guard for it.  So, while to you it seemed like an innocent and perfectly rational thing to have your mom come, and then the situation of you needing to drive her, to them it may have seemed like an intentional attack - you saying "Ew, I'd rather do ANYTHING than be in the car with those people!  What can I arrange so I can be in my own car away from them?"  Now, of course that's not the truth, but we're not discussing truth right now, we're just talking about how things might have looked from their "on guard" perspective.  Going from that point, it's pretty easy to see how a human being would take that "attack" and want to flail back at the person with emotionally immature gestures like "Well, if you hate our company that bad, we'll just cancel the whole trip, then!"

That perspective, combined with the things you've mentioned about your past relationship with them, and what your boyfriend's mom said to him just barely on the phone gives me the idea that these are exceptionally emotionally immature people who are deeply uncertain about their relationship with their son, and with you.  They live in fear that both he and you hate them, and that fear is so strong that they treat you like you do.  Now, again, I'm not claiming that's actually true, or that it's right of them, or any of that.  I'm just saying I do think that's probably what's going on in their heads. 

Now comes the hard part.  Knowing what they're thinking, you can now tailor your behavior to help them become better.  (Yes, you shouldn't have to, but we're talking about people with the emotional maturity of a toddler here.  They need your help.)  Whenever they do something irrationally mean, just realize what they're really doing is saying "I'm afraid you might hate me."  The best response is to reassure them through your kind and loving reactions that you do not hate them.  It might be hard, but in your mind find a reason to love them, even if it's just "your genes made my boyfriend, who I love."  At first they will probably react in a confused manner, and may even get a little worse ("Wait, what?  She might not hate me?  No, that can't be.  I'd better test it to be sure").  Just persist.  It won't take terribly long before their fears will begin to be put to rest.  Once that happens, they'll start lowering their guards, and your relationship will improve tremendously. 

All that having been said, let me state I'm not telling you to let them walk all over you.  There are ways to show your kindness and love to them while still sticking to your guns.  For example, in the present situation, a kind and loving but firm response might go like this:  "You're cancelling the trip?  Oh, I'm so sorry to hear you won't be coming with us, I was looking forward to the time together.  We'll have to plan another trip for some other time.  We'll be thinking of you!"  And then proceed to go on the trip without them.  (Or, if that response actually disarms them enough that they reconsider and want to come again, let them come, and try to show them on the trip that you are glad they came.)

This plan of action will be most effective if your boyfriend does it too.  I believe the majority of his parent's emtional insecurities are about him.  However, his relationship with his parents is ultimately his business, so while you can suggest this to him, don't try to force the issue if he disagrees.  Regardless of his actions, if you follow through your relationship with his parents will improve.

I know all this is way easier said than done, especially when they're right in your face insulting you with their insecurities, but I hope nonetheless that it helps.  Much luck!

[PonyMama]

Sil that is a good plan, it may even work and I hope it does.

[Spixy]

I will try that Silv - without doubt. I hadn't actually thought of it that way before - my boyfriend usually states that we always misunderstand each other (me and his parents) and that they think I don't like them and I think they don't like me.

Just to clarify. The trip was cancelled before we went up to his parents. My mom didn't want to dicuss Frank (boyfriend) & I's relationship - she was there to discuss his health and general welfare, as they really haven't been there for him (that's my personal opinion). His mother is rarely sick and has the general idea of if you're sick - it's because you think yourself to be sick.

She wanted to ask them if they knew where he was and if he was alright - plus state that she personally didn't think it was right for them to decide if her own car should drive to Germany or not.

I just feel the ridge between us is just growing and growing. We were supposed to go to his grandfather's birthday on tuesday, but Frank said to me yesterday it'd be best if he went alone. (we were supposed to drive with his parents) That I really don't understand - I adore his grandfather and I -hope - he adores me too. We've been up there to visit them and been on resturants ect and it has always been a really good time. Frank knows I wouldn't dare to sit and glare at either his mother or father - frankly I don't wish to, as I'm still really confused about this whole mess.

What I don't understand though - if they think I dislike them. Why go to Copenhagen with me and Frank - visit family ect together, go to tivoli ect together and then pretend to be enjoying it? I mean - after that trip I really really felt closer with them, but when my mom went up there, they were quick to attack me.. ?

[BabyKittenCandy]

He said it would be best to go alone? How will that help? You cant just avoid his family. Maybe you and him should sit down and talk about what Silv sugessted, you need to know he is as committed to you and making things work as you are to him.

The only other thing I can think of you doing which would not be fun or easy is going to see them, alone and asking to talk to them adult to adult and ask why they seem to be so changable, liking you on the trip and then attacking you over the germany trip a week later? But I would only suggest this as a last resort

*hugs*