taking this in strides

[PonyMama]

So it does not look good for PM and her relationship.  I am nto too sure how much longer I will have internet but I think I am done, so I need to start sayign possible goodbyes just in case, since I will not be able to have internet

So this may be up for a few days, I will get everyone what is owed to them then I think I shall be going for a while, I can't stay here and feel like nobody, when I talk he goes tot he computer and I see only the back of his head, I can't feel like I come second to a screen.

[springacres]

Wow, that's a very tough decision to have to make, PM...but I've read what you posted in the Cafe about your relationship and hope that everything works out for the best.  Doesn't sound like you're in the best of situations right now and I really wish you luck

-Much love from springacres

[hiyoko]

I think you're making a tough, but right choice. I have also read what you wrote and I think it's time you leave him. You're far too nice for him and deserve better. But we'll be here when you come back.

[Pinkshadow]

I'm very sorry to hear sweets, please know you always can write if you want to talk

[Spixy]

I admire your strength PM. I read your posts in the Café as well and you're doing what's best for you. I hope to see you back soon, you'll be missed <3

[BabyKittenCandy]

Your making what is prolly one of the toughest decisions of your life. If I can lend support in any way, listen, whatever, you know where to find me. I sincerely wish you all the best at this trying time and will keep you in my thoughts.

Much Love,

BKC

[PonyMama]

As of right now I feel pretty awful.  He spent most the evenign telling me himself and my family and "everbody" thinks I am mean, nasty and rude, that although I am sweet nobody really seems to think I should speak.  This was his way to keep me.  He had me in tears, I was and am very broken right now.

I moved into the living room for now, since I have nowhere to go, my daughter has her birthday party this weekend so no matter what I have to stay here for her, and maybe be able to explain to him that I am done, yes I give up becasue I can't be treated this way.  Since he tore me down last night and then when I went to talk to let him know things I did not like about him, he interupted with more things that are bad with me that "everybody" doesn't like.

I just don't get how you can say you love someone but break them into a million pieces and not see that you are doing so.  At that point shouldn't he have tried to comfort me and realize maybe stopping would be a good idea since I was clearly hurt, I was shaking, crying and unable to breathe.  I could not take anymore but he kept going.

I will keep everyone posted, if anything I won't be online when he is home, and need to pack as much as I can just in case, I think I shoudl get to stay here but for some reason I think it will just be easier to leave.

[Gidgets]

*gidgetly hugs* We love you PM! All you can do is stay strong and you'll get through it, I know you will!

[BabyKittenCandy]

*huggles pm*

Im so so sorry you are going through this. I can sympathise a lil, cos I am often told by my husband that i am rude and offensive. As I told him, i dont mean to be, its just me, the way I am, the way i speak and he needs to accept me for who i am.

I also spent a lot of time getting stick from him cos of his family, its only recently he has started to take my side there against his brother, who is constantly saying i hate him and his wife, even though im the one who invites them over >.<

To me, its sounds a lil like you are a comfort zone, he has you right where he wants you and it doesnt sound like he loves you as much as he should and treats you as well as he should.

But, that is an outsiders view and it is never so clearcut when it is you in that position.

[indigowulf]

Awww. I wish you lived closer to Washington state. We'd shuffle things around and make room for you til you could find something more permenant.

Sounds like it's too late for marriage counceling? I wish I was close enough to give you a real hug, cyber hugs just aren't enough!

[PonyMama]

BKC I understand.  I was in a very abusive relationship before this so I do see what is going on, yet when I try and tell him that I can't and shoudl never be treated like this he "punishes" me.

I am going to take it slow, maybe offer up the chance for counselling if he doesn't take it then I have no choice, I deserve to be treated well.  yeah I have my moments, but who doesn't?  does that mean they should be punished?

[Ryuukokoro]

I'm so sorry, PM. We'll always be here to support you and give you strength. I think you're making the right decision here. A marriage isn't a marriage if it isn't equal.

[Gidgets]

You're smart enough to know that emotional abuse is still abuse, and if he's hurting you this bad... well, you know what's what.

My divorce from an emotionally and physically abusive man was one of the best turning points in my life, even if I had wanted to stick it out for the kids. When he rejected my counseling idea I knew it was time to get out. If he's not willing to try why waste your time and emotional energy? You'll know when it gets to that, trust your gut.

[Pinkshadow]

I'm so sorry to hear about that, both for you and your kids.
Very sorry to hear he isnt able to listen :/

I agree with what the others said and we all love you <3

[TheLeet]

I think you're making the right choice <3

[Neocridders]

Best of luck, PM. You will do the right thing. I'm sorry he has been so difficult with you. No one should have to put up with that.

I hope things work out for you. Hopefully sooner than later.

[Scullisto]

*hugs*

Strength, love and wisdom I am sending to you. *hugs* Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Poupou]

I'm so sorry PM...

So sorry that you are hurt, so sorry he can't understand or care about your feeling.. So sorry you're the one that is trying so hard and not getting anything you deserve in return.  You are a really sweet person, you deserve SO much better and if you can't get it from him, then he certainly doesn't deserve you.

Also -

To me, its sounds a lil like you are a comfort zone, he has you right where he wants you and it doesnt sound like he loves you as much as he should and treats you as well as he should.

I agree a lot with this... this is how it sounds to me.  And nobody wants to be 'just' a comfort zone.  

And of course you can have your moments.  I have mine too, and my husband too.  And I am sure he has them too.  Hell, he surely had one last night and was so into it he never (or did he) realized how much he was hurting you.  He had no rights doing that to you.

*Hugs* We're all here for you, and if something happens that you need to be away from Secundi for a while, just know that we'll be waiting for you, thinking of you and hoping that you'll be okay. <3

[Sunchaser]

*huggles* thats about all i can do. If there is anything else i can do for you please let me know. If you need help wtih taking care of accounts or whatever ill see what me and my fiance can do.

[PonyMama]

He only realized it after I told him and I coudl no longer see, my eyes were so red, I could barely keep from getting sick and my head was throbbing so hard, I was broken, and still finally had to say "fine you win I am not perfect"  Walk away to have a bath and then when I came out I explained that he can't say he loves me then say cruel things to me for so long and not realize he is hurting me, not realize that this was not working and that maybe if he loved me he shoudl stop.  He just said sorry in a tone like he didn't seem to care, and I was exhausted and ended up falling asleep on the couch sobbing.

Let me tell you this is hard to admit out loud, I usually try and be strong even when I am broken, but this last year has been hard and I need to talk about it, but no matter who I talk to here, he talks to them after and then I have no support, just someone to listen to me.

I don't want him judged, but I need an outlet

yes I am in a small rut, but I also see what eh was with me once and hope that with some work we can get there again, but he needs to be willing to help me with that.  I do not expect perfection, but work

[BabyKittenCandy]

Hunny, you are welcome to pm me any time you wish if you want a one to one chat with someone who will just listen, not judge and be supportive. This is exactly what I do for a person on here already and am happy to do the same for you should you ever want.

Im sure everyone else here would offer you the same too, this is such a wonderful community

[bewilderness]

*hugs*  I don't know if you work or not, but you may be able to apply for a low-income apartment (I was able to get free rent on one when I wasn't working), if you don't have family or friends in your area to go to.  You can check with the housing authority in your town.

[cameron]

*snuggles PM*
I sorry.

[Silvanon]

*big hugs*

[springacres]

PM, I would say he crossed a line with you when his cruel words reduced you to tears and he didn't care enough to stop.  Emotional abuse is still abuse and with the way he's been jerking you around vis-á-vis the marriage issue, he sounds to me like a manipulative sod.  At least right now.  Are there any battered women's shelters in your area?

Also, I would suggest looking into the marriage laws in your area of residence.  Even if you don't have a marriage certificate, you may be considered married by common law.  At any rate I would suggest getting a lawyer.  And finding a good counselor for yourself at least.

[Pinkshadow]

Let me tell you this is hard to admit out loud, I usually try and be strong even when I am broken, but this last year has been hard and I need to talk about it, but no matter who I talk to here, he talks to them after and then I have no support, just someone to listen to me.

This just sounds dead wrong, he talks to them after you and then you don't have any support? Wheres the friend in that? And it also seems wrong as if he does that he must tell them something bad and wheres the love then?

- Im so very sorry for you PM, being in a mental abusive relationship is hard, and it would be best if you could work on it BOTH equally and get to a happy state again, because you have kids, but he sounds like he dosnt care at all about how he is to you and your emotions.
Always remember that you deserve to be treated good and deserve someone who loves you without limit and dosnt hurt you

[PonyMama]

I talked to his sister yesterday and she doesn't know what I should do either.  She did ask if he was stressed becasue he likes to bottle it up, bottle it up and then explode, so she figures that may be the problem right now.

She has asked me to try and talk to him and see what is going on before I make any decisions, and since I was waiting anyways so I could talk to him I decided this was not a horrible thing to request on her brothers behalf.

We didn't get a long while to talk last night, the baby decided to wake up at eleven then she was up until almost 2, so it is hard to have those talks.

He did appologize for the other night telling me he should have stopped, but he kept finding more words, and it became a case of word vomit.  I let him know this is no excuse and will never ever be tolerated again, if we stay together.

I did not even get ontot he subject of counselling, but we have the rest of the week, and he has tomorrow off.  I am tired today so I can't keep my eyes open again, stress and staying up all night sucks.

I will keep you guys updated.

[red_uni387]

Even if he did apologize, he still might end up doing again in another case of 'word vomit'

*hugs*

[PonyMama]

I know that

I remember vividly the many times my ex said he was sorry for hitting me only to do it again.

However that was one of the things I reminded him about and he looked like he was actually starting to get it, starting it understand why it would be easy if I had to leave, because I have had to before.

[Silvanon]

Sounds like you've got your head on pretty straight about this, PM.  Yeah, like you know and like everyone's been saying, badmouthing you to others and to your face is simply unacceptable.  I hope he'll agree to counceling and that it'll help him change.  Even the best of relationships do take work and sometimes counceling to help them out, so I'm glad you're wanting to look at that first.  I think if you do stay with him, counceling is a must.  Whether he's "bottling it up and then exploding" or there's something else going on, what's happening isn't ok.

I have to wonder if he's telling himself he's really ok, because he's not as bad as your previous ex.  But, yeah, just because he's not as rotten an apple as the previous guy doesn't mean he's the pick of the bunch, or even an edible apple.  ^^

If he refuses counseling and/or doesn't change, well, there really are actual real live decent guys out there who actually treat their wives (whom they actually for really real marry) like they should.  Time you spend in a relationship where you don't have that is time you could have spent look for and being in such a relationship.

*more hugs*

Adds:  On the brighter side, maybe he really will go to counseling, and really will turn over a new leaf.  It may also be possible the counseling will reveal a need for him to be on medications that will really help him out, etc.  I've had some family members who ... were very difficult to live with, before they went on antidepresents.

[PonyMama]

I do hope to discuss counselling and him talking to a doctor.  I think with all that has happened I should too.

I thought about it a lot yesterday and I wondet if the stress that he was driving the car that could have klilled his family finally caught up with him, so I think he needs to admit it if it is an issue then seek help.

I think the talk with his sister helped too, but I am not going to let my guard down, but need to try, I don' want to lose someone who means a lot to me if things can be saved

[springacres]

Well, I am glad things are looking at least a little bit better for you.  Bottling up feelings is seldom healthy.

And yeah, it does sound like it could be stress related, at least from what you've told us.  In any case I am sending major hugs your way.  You are being incredibly strong through a very tough situation.

[PonyMama]

I have to try and be, I do have two kids that need both parents even if we are not together, but for us to stay together will require some promises that actually get done.

Taking a few minutes to let it out with you guys and reading my books is helping calm me and let my brain figure things out, sort through feelings and thoughts, hopefully there will be good news instead of bad, but I am not going to let my guard down until things get done

and even if he promises marriage I am sorry it just won't do it, Yeah that may be somethign I want but I want it with a god relationship that two people are working to keep together

[zarzamora]

Eek... I just got done with reading everything from this thread and your other in the cafe... You're going through a rough time of it...

I hope things settle down for you soon and that things improve.
xx

[PonyMama]

Rough doesn't overly cover it, but everyone here is really keeping me grounded, and helpong me think clearly.  I know there is definitely a lot of leave him style suggestions, and I respect those, and it may happen but I have to do what is best for me int eh long run and I love the support I am getting, and I need it

[CutieePiee]

*hugs*

I'm so sorry to hear that things have been going downhill. But going through a relationship like that, you do what you have to do for your own best interest. You can't sacrifice your happiness just to stay in your comfort zone. I hope counseling will help in anyway it can, and that whatever you decide to do, it will work out for the best-- for you and your daughters.

As you already know, I'll be here if you ever wanna talk. <3

[sera]

*Fluffs* Egads, i'm so sorry, PM.  <3  i have nothing to add that hasn't already been said other than my admiration for you as a person and a mother.  i find you inspiring in your adoptables, especially with TWO kids, and even more so with a glimpse into this.  My thoughts and prayers are for you, and if there's any other way i may be of assistance to you, please just let me know. <3

[PonyMama]

So an update

We have talked a lot, some of it not great, other parts are informative and helpful.  We have concluded that stress and being in a rut are not helping, we have also laid out issues we both have with each other, and laid out what we expect.  I have let him knwo I can't stay of this continues and he said that he won't make me.  (like he could but it was nice for him to realize)

So for the time being we are going to keep talking, but it will be eggshells for a while, so although I may not be losing internet, I may lose the time I have on it, as this needs to be dealt with.

Some things are easier to say in type so we have even had a few conversations through facebook chat, even though we are in the same room it makes things easier to say and we can talk while the kids are in the room.

I have noticed just with a few things said, and in the open (includign how he treats me) that the whole atmosphere has changed, both of us seem happier, so who knows.  We will stall be talking to the doctor about counselling or meds, but for now this seems to be doing the trick.  Hopefully things can all work out and we can be a happy couple with our differences but not at eachothers throats anymore

I may still come here and ask for advice or as for someone to talk to but for now I had to make the choice I thought was best and he really seems like he wants to make this work, I have had an ex already who was abusive and this is very differnt

[Silvanon]

*hugs*  Talking things out is good.  Here's keeping my fingers crossed for you!

[springacres]

Talking things out and noticing changes is very good.  It means you are listening to each other and trying to make changes so you can stay together.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you, PM, and hoping this works out somehow.  *super hugs*

[PonyMama]

I didn't expect things to start to work out but what he has done and said has really got me thinking that this may end up well if they keep going like this.

His sister was his saving grace, had I not talked to her online I would have left without trying too hard, I am nto too sure if she has talked to him since her and I talked, but I am hoping that this, being his last chance, will be what turns him around.

I also state that I may have some changing to do too, I didn't realize that I at times could be cruel too, he has never told me before, so I needed to step back and really think about it, so I will stop and think before I speak and hopefully make the changes needed in myself.  If anythign I become a better person

[PonyMama]

well it has been a little bit so I figured update.

We are still arguing, but it has become, different.  Not too sure how to explain.  it is like we aren't mad at eachother but trying to figure out how this will work in the future.  We are trying not to hurt eachother but at the same time get heard. It is weird but I am hoping constructive.

He has finally admitted he sees that he hurts me, and that how he went about doing it was wrong and that he hopes to change how he argues.  While I have seen that I in turn was doing some things he didn't like and he found hurtful.  So I have been making an effort to change those becasue I dont' want to hurt him either.  Very weird, but going ok for now.

We still have a lot to work out be admitting things are wrong is the first step.

On another note I finally realized that yes I still wanna get married but I was having a bigger issue with the fact that I had planned a wedding and still had all the stuff ready for that wedding and it was making me angry that he let me down, so the other day I went through it all and we threw it all out.  No point hanging onto things that were makign the matters worse right?

[Silvanon]

Sounds like things are headed in the right direction.  As Conrad the Sociologist loves to tell me, the couples who really work aren't the ones who never argue, but rather the ones who learn ~how~ to argue.