I'm not whom I thought I was; at least, not when I was thinking at a younger age, before I left college, agreed to an engagement, and then was betrayed by somebody I thought was smarter than that.
Now, you'll see that I am still describing myself as a victim of something beyond my control. Indeed, as I type this right now, I think I am. But I am going to use this post to try to change that conception, so that I can introspect a bit and then move on.
First of all, that will require brutal honesty. Second, it will probably be embarrassing. Third... anyway.
Ingredient 1: I chose this man. I was smitten at the time, absolutely; so attracted to him that it really was like gravity. We could not stay away from each other, constantly running into each other in unexpected places. I truly felt that I was following my heart, and that my heart could lead me to him through any contortion of the space-time continuum. However, what I did not realize at the time was the truth: as a possessor of free will, I chose to try to be with him.
What compelled me to the choice? The list:
- he seemed aloof to social pressure, indicating self-confidence
- he found me interesting and supported my thoughts and ideas
- I shan't forget to acknowledge that he fit my physical type of being tall and lean with dark hair
- He really, really liked to dance
- He cooked me waffles in the morning, despite hardly knowing me
Okay: all of those things were, and probably could still be now, true. But then again, what made me think I stood a chance?
Ah, it strikes me now: I must have been a rebound. I heard him sayin
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okay guys, realization achieved for the night. I will go ahead and post this, but it's not a complete writing at all