Wedding is a dirty word!

[PonyMama]

I will be posting this in PI as well, but you guys know the whole situation better.

You guys have all been with me through the last few months, which have not been great, it seems just as we start to get things working Scott starts another fight, just so he can pull the "well we are always fighting why would I want to get married"  it has become a very hurtful subject of course but I know it means a lot to me to be married and it doesn't have to make sense why, I just know that is what I need and want in a relationship.

I had it started, the ring the family and the wedding being planned.  He opted out of that date at the point where invites should have been sent out.  He set another date for me and opted out of that too.  The the arguing all the time started.  After 5 years of being engaged he tells me he never wanted to propose.  So I gave him the ring back, but he still promised me that he wanted to get married and promised we would be in 6 months.  That conversations was  1 1/2 years ago.

So now I have this going on:

My friend just got married yesterday, I couldn't bring myself to go, I am happy for her of course but how can I go to something that is just so freaking hurtful to me.  For the last 6 years I have been jerked around every which way with promises of a wedding, and she gets married.

I have cousins getting married soon as well as a few more friends planning, and then my brother starting to plan one as well.  How can I do this?  How can I be present?  How can I act happy when I just want to cry becasue I am sad?

Just the sight of a wedding brings me to tears, I had to avoid Facebook yesterday so I woudlnt' see any wedding updates.  How can I be happy for everyone when they are getting the one thing i want for myself that seems so far out of my reach?

Yes I understand certain things, like we have been through rocky times, and that lack of money is an issue as well, but he keeps saying yes, then turns around and says no. I also understand I dont' think everything is perfect, but over 9 years of happy, sad and stressful times, we have burned through.  Why can't I have my day, the time where this man who I have started a family with accept me into his family and want me forever

[Ryuukokoro]

It's a deep shame when such a time that is supposed to be happy has become a hurtful thing. I'm sorry, PM. *hugs*

[sera]

*snugloves*  PM, your dude is a word i cannot even say.  i know you love him and everything, but he's obviously just leading you around.  It's not fair to you, and, gads.  It seriously ticks me off that he'd promise you marriage and then just drop it over and over again.  You deserve SO much better than this!  You are a creative, wonderful person, and an awesome mom.  If you want marriage then you deserve to have the stability of marriage! 

Guh, i hope i'm not saying anything to make things worse, but this makes me so angry.  *snugs*

[PonyMama]

I agree I deserve to be happy too, this is so hard, becasue I knwo I love hima nd I know we have made this work so far, and put a lot of work into keeping it together (even if at times it almost falls apart)

Should I have to sacrifice this though?

[BabyKittenCandy]

You do deserve to be happy hunny and I feel very much as Sera has said. It looks a lot like he is messing you around, scared to commit but also scared to let you go, so he keeps you on the edge and on a string like a toy.

I know you love him but I wonder at how much he really loves you. Are you just a safety net for him? You and your daughters deserve the stability and happiness and if he is not prepared to give this to you, maybe you should find someone who is.

I know its so easy for me to say and im sorry.. if you lived near me I would dearly love to beat some sense into him. Im sorry if what I say is hurtful but it upsets me so to see peoples feelings given so little regard.

*hugs*

[Orchid]

I can almost come close to what you feel, the hubs has a way of flip flopping on things (though its more then often just small things that annoys me). However from what ive read here and going back to your older thread and reading i must say to me it sounds like and i really do hate to say this as i hate to upset you but it sounds like hes keeping you around because he dosnt want to have to put effort into a new relationship.

For you this is completely unfair, from what ive seen from you on pi and here your a great person. The way your love your kids and how amazingly sweet and considerate you are. I cannot believe that a man that has started a family and been around so long dosnt want to marry you. To me he sounds like complete unpassionate idiot. In my family theres lots of problems like yours, i see it everyday and it sickens me to the core thinking how all these amazing women have to put up with worthless men. There are other men out there that will take care of you and your girls and love you all to their death bed. Youve got to think what is best for not only you but the children. I grew up in a somewhat broken home and my parents always fought. Im telling you never have i been such an angry mean person then when i had to live with my mother and step father. It killed me to hear them argue, to hear my mother be put down SO much.

I do you hope you two can come to an agreement or you can come to a place where you feel its okay to leave him and find someone better!

*much love*
Orchid

[YourLoveOnly]

I am not gonna say much negative about him as a person, simply because I don't know him so I don't feel like I can judge even after what I've heard. I can't say if he does or doesn't love you, I assume he does because you two have a family together and everything. I don't know his reasons for not committing to a marriage. All I can say is that you obviously want marriage and he obviously doesn't. Reasons put aside and everything else put aside, this ís a big thing. You shouldn't have to give up on marriage if that's what you want, but you also can't make him do it against his will. Honestly I don't think he's ever going to go through with it. Because he doesn't want to, because he's afraid, because [insert whatever reason you can think of here], I don't know that. I just feel like this is gonna keep standing in between you two until one of you starts to feel different or you guys split up. I really want this to work out for you and I really hope it will <3 But like people said, you shouldn't give up on wanting to marry someone. And he should only marry you if he really wants it and he should do that on his own, not because you really want to. This is something really big and something I feel like a couple should agree on. If one wants marriage and the other doesn't I think it will always stay an issue until someone changes their mind on their own or decide to go seperate ways.

Good luck with all the other weddings, I really can't give you any advice on that. I just wish you lots of luck with the entire thing 'cause it's all really complicated. *hugs*

[PonyMama]

I understand no worries. 

I knwo this is alwasy goign to come between us until someone gives, and I have been trying, but it seems since this is the season for weddings everyone around me is going about it, so I am having a super hard time.  Last year wasn't as bad, and neither was the year before.

I wonder if I can find a happy place without marriage, I really do, becasue other then this topic, we do generally get along, sometimes of course we fight but stress in our lives can intesify this.  Like I think the last big blow out was a lot to do with finaces, with the car accident we are broke, and I mean stuck in a two bedrrom apartment for another 5 years becasue it is cheaper then anything else broke.

I am alwasy sorry to burden you guys with this but it is easier to talk to you guys, as I cry and everyone else around me just tells me to suck it up

[YourLoveOnly]

I don't mind at all and you can always send me a message if you wanna talk <3

It just sucks when something like this happens because you can't magically fix it as much as you both want to and when everything else does work it's just really frustrating. I don't really take the fighting into account too much because in my opinion real life is just a bitch and throws things at you that will cause issues. And that's okay as long as you can find a way to fight and talk things out with a positive outcome and after what I've heard from you lately that has been going quite well with the trick of talking online and all that.

[PonyMama]

well I wonder if it wouldn't hurt so much if he just stopped saying yes he wanted to get married.  Maybe if I didnt' think it was possible I could let it rest and slowly get over my want a bit.
I may ask him randomly still but as logn as he kept his feet firm that "No" then I might feel less sad about the whole thing.

[BabyKittenCandy]

But you shouldnt have to give up on it dear. It is obviously something which means a great deal to you and I doubt that if you havent 'gotten over it' in the time you have been together you will be able to whatever happens. It is just something your heart wants and it isnt fair if you dont listen to it.

[springacres]

I too am starting to question how much he really cares about your feelings in all this.  He must on some level notice how much this upsets you.  If he is truly afraid of committing himself, then why has he stayed with you for upwards of eight years?  He has two beautiful children with you.  That in itself suggests at least some level of commitment on his part.  Even if you were to go your separate ways without getting married, he could still end up having to pay child support if you were awarded custody.  The children aren't going to go away, and obviously neither is your desire to get married.

What the two of you choose to do about this is between you and Scott, but I have to say that at this point I would recommend counseling because this is such a big deal to you, and I would hope he can see that, but he's still not willing to budge.

[PonyMama]

9 years, we have an eight year old

I am starting as I said to wonder if it measn so much to me becasue he keeps sayign yes when he might actually mean no, I wonder if he just stopped promising it to me if i might be able to drop it on some level.

if we split up I would get a lot more then just child support, I woudl get half the stuff, the whole apartment if I so please, and a % of his rsp's, since I am his common law and through a mutual agreement I do not and have not worked since we had our first child.

right now counselling is not covered becasue our medical feels it has to do with our car accident and they figure ICBC shoudl apy for it, and ICBC won't because fo their own reasons and we can't afford to pay for counselling, so will have to wait it out for a bit more at least

[springacres]

If you're his common-law wife, then ceremony or no ceremony he would still have to go through a legal divorce if you split up.  Which I suppose he might consider an added reason to stay with you even if he doesn't feel committed.  But whether or not he FEELS committed at this point, the law says he is.

I can understand why you'd want to have a wedding, though.  A wedding is a formal, more or less public celebration of your love for and commitment to one another, and I do hope you get to celebrate like that someday.

I'm also wondering why marital/couples counseling could conceivably be due to a car accident.  If they're considering it as therapy for post-traumatic stress disorder, then I can understand it a little, but it still seems bizarre.  And I work for a health insurance company (granted, I open mail and sort claim forms rather than review and approve or deny claims, but I still don't quite get it)

[PonyMama]

traumas of any sort liek that can casue strain on a relationship, thus causing ripples that can lead to divorce.  Plus our medical thinks that we are just goign to say couples counselling to get them to pay for it

[Goddesss]

This may sound really dumb but since the legal stuff is covered by your being his common law wife would just a wedding ceremony be enough for you even if it was legally binding.  Also would that be something he would be willing to do.  Sometimes it seems you would like to get married for the wedding and maybe that would help. 

I know it wont fix things and that isnt the only reason you want to be married I was just trying to think of a middle ground.

[Sunchaser]

was going to ask if perhaps its not so much the wedding as you just want him as your husband. if you just want him as your husband why nto elope?

[PonyMama]

cause he won't do that either

[Sunchaser]

so basicly he doesnt want to be bound to you legaly.....

[PonyMama]

that's what it seems like.  but he wants to tell me does want to.
me is confused and sad

[Sunchaser]

*hugs* lovey... if he is just going to say no and he wont even do somthign simple as elope then my only conclusion that i can make is that he doesnt want to marry you, just string you along till he find somthing better or until he figures out how to get away. *hugs tightly*

[PonyMama]

to make matters worse, I forgot my friends who got married were honeymooning here (in the town I am living in) and so now I have newlyweds staying on my futon tonight.

Great!

[Goddesss]

*hugs*

That is really all I can say hun.  I am not sure how to help, but if you ever want to vent.  I lived with someone for 5 years who said he wanted to get married but wouldnt marry me.  Finnally had to leave for other reasons also.  If you ever need to just vent though my PM box is open.

[bewilderness]

*hugs*  Weddings aren't my favorite things either.   

[Pinkshadow]

In some way i can imagain what you feel, but not the whole way im sure.

But i will agree with BKC here, you should never "give up" or "let it drop" It's your dream and it means something for you, then you shouldnt just agree to not do it, because he don't want to.

As YLO pointed out, i can't say much about him and reasons since i don't know the dude, but to me it seems like your he's safty net, he seems to lack his spine to make some effort into your general relationship.

My own biggest dream atm. is getting a dog, but after that my biggest and longest dream is to get married the old fashioned way, and i will never give up on that dream.

If you give up on your dreams, you will be sad and others will just drive you around.
- Not to make your life harder PM, i feel very sorry for you, but if i was in your place i would give him an ultimation, be honest to you or get out, and if he still says he do wants to be married, then ask him what it will take for him to say yes ans stand by it.

You deserve to be happy and get married PM, do not let others tell you or convince you otherwise

[indigowulf]

Hmph. He wont get married because he's not ready to be *commited to*. He has to love himself to accept love from another, and he's clearly not deserving right now. Too bad you dont have one of those pushy loudmouth parents or grandparents or something that could strangle him til he sets a date.

[PonyMama]

My mother, grandmother, his mother and his sister all tell him it has been 9 years, why is there no ring yet.  Heck even many fo the girls he works with ask him when he is going to marry me and make an honest woman out of me.  he smiles and nods.

I did bring the subject up and told him to think about it and come back with an honest answer.  I dont' want empty promises.  And told him if he agrees, then he and I are to set a date, if that date comes and goes, I go with it.

So I guess we wait and see what he comes to.

[YourLoveOnly]

I think you did a very hard but very good thing there. And please, stick with it because it's what you deserve. If he says no now then you can think and take your time to figure out if you wanna stay together without marriage. If he says yes and all goes well, then yay! And if he says yes and backs out again I think you are right to leave him. Good luck with everything and let us know the answer!

[springacres]

I too think you did the right thing, and I'm going to echo YLO here - if he says yes and backs out, pack your bags and leave.  You deserve to have someone who will make you happy, and in your case that obviously includes having some sort of wedding.

At this point I would even suggest you leave him if he says yes and then wants the date to be more than a year in the future, because of the way he's kept stringing you along on this.  But that's just my take on your situation.

[BabyKittenCandy]

Im in agreement with the others. And with what Spring said about anything over a year.

It is a very hard thing to have had to have done I am sure, but Please stick to it and get the happiness you deserve so much.

*hugs*